To belong or not to belong …that is the question!
I’ve always preached you can’t change who you are just to belong… and I still firmly think that.. I just feel lonely.
Yoga means union… I don’t feel connected I actually feel more disconnected than ever before… to everyone!! Maybe Shiva is the exception.
Today was a better day because there was crying involved… I cried in 2 occasions (publicly): the first one was with someone who lost her dog when she was my intern 10 years ago and I knew she would understand as she did. Actually I waited 45 minutes for her at her office. I had a pain in my right knee and she’s an orthopedic surgeon but what I like about her is that she’s into sport medicine so I knew she wasn’t going to prescribe me to stop working out. I had to wait for her 45 minutes and I was getting angry. It’s kind of my karma to be waiting for someone…Somehow my karma keeps me always waiting … waiting for a guy on a date, waiting for a friend at a coffee shop, or waiting for a doctor at her office. I never made a patient wait for me more than 5–10 minutes at most! Anyway, I waited for her, she came maree apologizing 300 times and we set a plan for my knee and I cried when talking about Sebas… she knew him perfectly-ish… not physically but as everyone knew him, through my 10000 pictures of him in social networks. I ordered the medicines and the pharmacy cancelled them because according to them I didn’t receive them when they arrived… and the therapist never contacted me so well… a full day of disappointments and delays… a lot of them… but I cried with her and I didn’t feel bad. Actually I don’t feel bad anymore when crying in public … that’s a first!
And then I got angry for the second day in a row with Alex… he’s acting weird, like not wanting to help me or not willing to work with my patients anymore and even a colleague that saw me asking about my patient and not receiving any answer at all (being Alex among the residents at the office) asked them in a louder tone of voice who was going to give me an update of my patient … Alex didn’t move at all, or talked or nothing … is he angry? Disappointed? Anyway, in the middle of my confusion, a former friend, who’s actually not my friend anymore, and whom I don’t trust anymore started talking with me about our lives and once again I ended crying with her when I mentioned thar he passed away 3 weeks ago.. this Sunday is going to be 4 weeks. She doesn’t care about me or I about her.. but we were friends some years ago. She told me to get rid of Sebas things and to move on… so automatically my mind blocked her as I don’t need an opinion about what to do or when to do it about Sebas grief. And now I realize that I’m not part of them anymore. I don’t belong there… their world is still the same, medicine and power... I don’t belong there, I don’t belong to their conversations and world and goals and I’m happy about it.. I guess Alex is afraid of being associated with me and this “I’m-not-into-workaholic-medicine-anymore” flag I carry with me… He’s at the beginning of his career and his complete world moves around medicine… I’ve always told him to get a life, read, travel, have hobbies other than medicine and his answers are always kind of “defensive” arguing me he’s from a poor background. With what I’ve payed him that’s no longer an issue but I guess his mentality is still reflecting a smaller world and vision. He reminds me my ex husband. Not an impressive cultural knowledge or an interest in having it or getting it… and I’ve always criticized him because of not having passion… I guess I sounded pushy or even arrogant to mi ex husband.. or Alex …
I was never that much into medicine workaholic life… I ended my shift and ran away to come home to Sebas or ran away to the gym or I was planning my next trip (usually not medicine related but more exotic and adventurous and usually far far away from usual destinations …) or I was working out or doing yoga or fighting my personal battles to be with someone who was an imposing guy or dipping into some learning courses to grow in a personal or spiritual level …or I was just planning going anywhere to see Roger waters or some other rock musician, or learning hindi or German or Sanskrit .. I was quite a few times known as to be more into the yoga world than in medicine one… and that’s weird too because with pandemia I worked 24x7 (at least intellectually as I was always with Sebas) with critical care patients ignoring forever my yoga family… and I made sure they knew I wasn’t with them anymore…
There’s a pattern here!!! Too busy with critical care patients to pay attention to “good vibes”!treatments of my former Shanga… Always making them know I don’t belong with “them” because I’m doing more important /interesting things anywhere. Inside the quotes you can insert whatever group of friends or colleagues you want to name … always letting “them” now I wasn’t fully engaged with “them”…
Do I have the cliche “lack of commitment” fear? I don’t know!!! Now I don’t belong anywhere. … I don’t complain, … it was my decision to build a barrier between me and “them” so it shouldn’t be a surprise to feel I don’t belong “there”.
Whatever “them” or “there” mean…
The issue now is that I don’t have Sebas anymore, …he’s not here and I feel alone. I would love to move and travel and get out of here but at the same time I still don’t want to move from where he lived, from my/his bed he owned, and from the place where we lived together …and for the third time, I cried alone feeling lonely, depressed and angry at him!! Why did he had to go!!
I’m tired! How long will this last… where am I going to sit at Christmas dinner! Everyone uses the couch, chairs or sofa as normal people… and for the past 14 years I sat directly on the floor so Sebas could be comfortable… now? Where am I going to sit? I don’t belong to the couch but my mom or dad are going to tell me to stand up from the floor, I know that…
I don’t belong there either…
I need / want to fly away from everything … the thing is that I don’t want to be away from Sebas and I have this weird feeling that moving or rearranging my home or even cleaning it will take me away from him.
Is it always that hard?
