Rumination + over sensitivity + isolation = emptiness vs depression?
Finally I slept like 8 hours and probably a little bit more… almost 9 and I woke up in a much much better mood than yesterday… or … sort of … I didn’t want to start my workout and that’s not usual. My exercise discipline has been something I’ve always been proud of and I did it anyway and I proved (again) that whenever I don’t feel like doing it is when you need it the most… I was even happy after I finished but I have to accept I was considering not doing it and changing my tomorrow rest day for today. Tomorrow plans included lunch with Alex at his new home so in 2 seconds I thought I was going to be in a hurry so ok… rest day was fine tomorrow. I don’t usually doubt and although people are always lazy with exercise, in my case it made me think I’m not ok. A called with Pao few hours later made me think I’m not ok, I’m depressed, and alone.
Following my yesterday own advise I called my sister in my first attempt to talk about my feelings and being not ok. Well, the phone call lasted exactly 2 minutes and she made me clear she was in a hurry and asked me quickly what was the reason of my phone call. I told her briefly that I already sent her a mail with the summary of my finances (she helps me with my numbers, with the money I pay Alex and Christian and with my savings as pandemia was a chaos and I didn’t have time or brain to do them. And when we noticed my father was feeling kind of depressed, we made a plan for him, and he made all the math- previously done by my sister- so he had a job to do. It was a successful plan until NFL season started and he forgot about being depressed). So I told my sister in the 2 minutes that I sent her a mail and she rudely (or ironically, it’s still complicated for me to distinguish between them) that she doesn’t care anymore and that what I earned or what I pay was up to me, ..maybe a joke as she usually says she got tired with so many numbers. Then she usually remembers all the trips I’ve invited her and she’s kind to me. She says im a bully but I seriously think she’s the one who bullies me. Anyway I ended the phone call telling her that we already had a hotel for our next LA trip and she slowly said “ok” as if she wonders why I had already decided where were staying without consulting her,… anyway our phone call ended there…
Yes I am oversensitive today.
One of my residents called me today 5 minutes after I woke up and I was still sleepy, just to talk for about 20 minutes about all the suspicious theories and gossips she had about Alex and I realized yes, I was oversensitive since some days ago when I thought Alex had something against me…. It’s weird, because well, it’s not that I believe everything she said, actually I don’t trust her at all, but Alex is actually being weird and it has nothing to be with me. Once again, I need him to help me with my patients and my toolbox feels somehow empty and I pay him to help me and being not helped sounded personal to me… he’s going through something but now I don’t feel able to support him, whatever he has.
When you fly they always tell you that in case of an emergency you have to place your oxygen mask before helping someone else. I need an oxygen mask… and a hug.
Pao called me from Turkey feeling a little bit sad but at the same time happy she met some friends I have there and can help her being alone over there. I ended up crying with her and it felt like crazy crying. I felt out of place and not appropriate at all. Now I get it,… people do think 4 weeks is more than enough to stop being sad. I told her I need a hug, I told her I was depressed, she told me she loved me,… I felt I was egoistic, …instead of supporting her loneliness in another country, I cried because of my sister and Alex not supporting me… more than from Sebas not being with me anymore …
I’m not ok.
Alex cancelled tomorrow lunch..
I called my sister again later in the evening but she canceled the phone call. She was with some friends having coffee…
I realized what a boring day I had,… but it ended pretty good with my first physiotherapy session for my knee. It felt good and the guy asked me about “my dog” because he saw the physiotherapy aids I still have from the time Sebas had the knee surgery. I didn’t cry, not a single tear, and I really felt my voice wasn’t the one speaking, not faking, it was more like a weird exercise of compartmentalization that went fine.
I miss the weekly massages I had before pandemia.
It’s ironic… physiotherapy will be twice a week so I can keep working out every day so I can show my muscles off…, nails, eyelashes and eyebrows every 2 to 3 weeks and hair dye and maintenance every 2 weeks so I can look great… Indeed I like how I look… and then I hide in my house 24/7 and I don’t go out anywhere … but I like how I look. I hide under my/his blanket. I can imagine that missing anyone of my beauty routines will worsen my depression.
I wonder too if writing my daily feelings and thoughts is not just ruminating my sadness and emptiness.
I do feel empty, …probably the worst lost I’ve ever had in my life… without the “probably”, but with the shame of accepting that life has been good if at 49 this is the first most painful event I’ve ever had… and Susi, but she didn’t live with me and my daily life didn’t change after her. I know Sebas is with her now and he’s ok, …the thing is that it’s extremely painful to live my boring uneventful daily life by myself.
Tomorrow will be my workout rest day, eyelashes and nails… no lunch, no Sebas, no socializing, but shower will not be an issue.
I feel isolated.
When will this end? Does it actually improves?
