Koshas, doshas, chakras and a horocrux
Almost a month after the decision and nothing has changed… life is lonely and I still cry every day and I still live by inertia. I wrote in Spanish for the first week and for the first time… I didn’t have the energy to think,… i felt I had just a very low reserve of energy and I didn’t have the willing to write in a foreign language…
There are better days … and not that good ones. JE told me today… “you still cry” how not to!! He was my companion for 14 years, my partner in crime, my love and my only real truly definition of love … it was his energy who woke me up and although I haven’t cried as the first days where I drop to the floor with big huge and noisy drama-type sobs, I still cry. It’s emptiness, sadness and the absence of motivation. I used to wake up every morning with his face in mine and his tail moving happily and I always told him that I didn’t know how could he had so much enthusiasm at that early hours of the day. I always told him too, he was my inner motor and that his optimism and good mood make me move from my bed….
Now he’s not here… I don’t have that motivation… that one or any other one.
I didn’t loose my appetite but it’s complicated wanting to cook. Andrea says that it’s because cooking has some nurturing connotation and now that I don’t have to take care of him, that nurturing feeling is gone. As for me… I eat… some days more, some days not that much but at least I went and I bought fruits and vegetables and my usual food list… it’s been almost 2 months I didn’t buy my fridge things… I was taking care of him. Now I’m not.
During my meditations there’s always a tear but my Koshas feel more connected… anamaya well, my right knee hurts and I’ve been 24 hours with a weird feeling of a flu like something that it’s nothing … manumaya good…. I do kiss thankfully and truly embrace my mind’s effort to make me feel safe and less sad…. Pranamaya not bad I’m breathing and connecting with Shiva… by the way I’ve been thanking him for taking Sebas with him:.. at least now I can see directly to Shiva’s eye without making a disapproval movement of my mouth… I’ve been thanking Ganesh too for removing his pain…
Vygnanamaya not thaaaaat bad… I’m finally realizing the difference between reality and negation… well… -ish. I still sleep with his /my blanket and I still wear the pink hoodie I wore while carrying him when Deby sedated him. I still have the horocrux in my neck. His bed is still there and I still can’t organize my life. I still can’t find a schedule or a routine or a daily life without him… inertia … negation…
Anandamaya has been kind of better. I’m finding more easily the inner “divine me” (whatever that means)….sometimes, sometimes I can’t connect. But the connection with him is still difficult to feel… at least during meditation. I cry missing his warm body and innocent eyes, trustful and with all the confidence I was taking care of him… I was!
But chakras… o my gosh what a mess:
#1… foundation, house, family and roots feel completely broken without him and I unbalanced it more when I decided stop going/talking with my parents. I can’t cry with them and I don’t want them to see me suffering, always with their attitude of “nothing happens and we don’t talk about it because maybe if we talk about him we’re going to remind you about him and you’ll be sad”… as if I could stop thinking about him… it’s not their fault, they don’t know how to deal with it so they just don’t talk. My dad is getting old. He’s forgetting things. So routine and family support and all my foundation is trembling now..
#2 pleasure … seriously? I don’t even care about seeking it… next …
#3 transformation, ha… transform what? Pain into growth? Pain into good moment and memories? Pain into what? There’s no way I can balance my 3rd chakra transforming this experience into something good … learning? Remembering the good moments? Being thankful for all the time we were together? Not yet…
#4th heart… broken! Well I’m realizing I’m a human and I had a heart and it can be broken as I was after the biggest pain ever felt, pure love innocent and real,… “grief is the price for living”… I read that and it sounded better when I read it than now while I’m writing it. I do feel this 4th one is not that bad, even in pain, as feeling so much makes me feel more alive. It’s confusing but it’s probably the most affected but at the same time it is the less unbalanced chakra, does it make sense?
#5th one… well here’s an issue… 1 week without writing and 2 days without crying and I started with flulike symptoms … yes maybe the grief lowerred my defenses (said the doctor in me) or maybe I caught the damn virus… or not… or it’s just my incapable way to talk about him and how I miss him. I do hate not to talk about him. And that’s blocking the flow. Today I talked about him and cried twice and I feel better. But in summary 5th is broken too…
#6th… oh here we go again with vygnana… it’s impossible to have a 6th one in balance when I can’t accept what’s truth and what’s not… yep… it’s called negation.
#7th well yes thank you Shiva but it’s not enough …
And I still survive with Harry Potter … it’s the help of a known plot with the perfect amount of evasion but not that much but yes… but no. There’s no Harry Potter marathon anymore so I’m listening to the books. And taking about books, I made a bad critique to a book by the way… I bought it thinking it could help… it was something about meeting at the other side of the rainbow and it was supposed to help with the grief… well BS! I stopped reading when it said you had to write a letter saying thank you to your lost one and the burn it.. thank you? Seriously? He knows I was thankful and no I’m not thankful now because he’s not here.. and then burn it? Why? To “let go” as of this grief was something I need to move away soon and quick enough so people will not feel uncomfortable around my sadness. Then it said something about “resilience” and about writing the word everywhere around you to make it your goal…to go back to where you were before and to grow… grow? As if … I can’t even explain it, but it made me feel my grief and sadness were something I needed to break through and I hated it… but we’ll recently I hate so many things, persons, attitudes, words… and things I used to love doesn’t make me happy anymore. I’m not sure why I can enjoy football! I don’t even bother or care about it, although I’m hurting my dad ignoring our “passion”… I’m sticking now to Harry Potter.
How to balance my chakras? I don’t have an idea but at least I know my koshas are improving… my vata dosha has lowered a little and my pitta dosha is less aggressive -ish (again)… my tolerance is not at its best. Kapha doesn’t exist (not before, not now)…
I realized I can detect my “subtle” body variations better than before. But that doesn’t mean I know how to fix it or even if I want to fix it … maybe my knee to continue my workout as usual, maybe as JE suggested “talk with your parents about how to you feel…. “ nope…
Maybe time… maybe this Sunday will be 4 weeks from the decision day, one month without him and maybe it will be a bad day… or not.
It’s called the “subtle body” in Ayurvedic medicine and in occidental “modern” medicine I’ve received the diagnose from colleagues of depression, burnout, evasion, negation, etc…I do feel better even happy when I sleep.
It’s the horocrux with his ashes around my neck that I’m not sure if it’s a good idea or not,… it’s like a transitional object like the pacifiers in babies or it’s the horocrux where I placed part of my soul when I took his.. ok it is just negation… or not
