Is taking selfies really a bad habit?

What’s the meaning of NOT taking selfies anymore…

I mean… I didn’t realize I wasn’t taking pictures of myself. I used to take 300 selfies a day (with Sebas of course) and now I felt something itching in my eyelash and I used the camera from my phone to see what I had in my left eye and I weirdly realized that’s I haven’t taken any selfies in the past few days… or weeks… it’s not the selfie itself… the thing it’s I’m not looking at myself in the mirror or camera or anywhere… am I avoiding watching my reflection?

I like how I look… my eyebrows, body, face, eyelashes, blue hair… but I haven’t looked at myself recently. I meditate and I go deep inside myself to recognize and detect and embrace and contact with the divine inside of me… and I’ve been able to do it, and during the meditations I do a checklist of my Koshas to detect on time if there’s something wrong with my body, my mind, my soul, my breathing, my chakras (yep actually all of them, starting with my root one are not well balanced now), I review my doshas and use my prana and Shiva’s mantras to keep myself focused… but I haven’t look at my external me… and it disturbs me.

I take 2 daily videos (slow motion and high speed) of my workouts to check my form and post my best postures and I select the best one for my daily body picture for instagram with my six pack abs… but I haven’t looked at my face, really looking at my eyes … I haven’t watched my face!

Is there something I don’t want to see?… maybe it doesn’t mean anything and I’m just not in the mood.

Actually there’s a lot of criticism and “studies” about people and selfies, about narcissism, egocentric personalities, emptiness behind the selfies, necessity of approval, validation, etc etc etc…

What if it’s the oposite and I don’t do take selfies anymore… It is not that I don’t like myself, it is not that I don’t “need” all of the validation anymore, it is not that I’ve learnt and growth and I don’t look for “likes” anymore …is it just that I’m not in the mood to post pictures? It’s more like “how you don’t want to socialize and come and visit us, but you still post pictures? …So then, you don’t feel that bad?” No one has told me that other than in my imagination, but I know they could think that if I post them.

I do feel sad, extremely sad, but for the first time since that day, I felt out of “place/time” today and really weird while telling Cristhian I’m still suffering Sebas grief. I was at Starbucks at the hospital today and I wasn’t aware he was there too, and he saw me and surprisingly he hugged me from behind and happily and loudly asked me “heeeey doctor! How are you?” I felt 3 seconds of confusion not knowing it was him so when I realized it was him I said hi. “Why you don’t have any makeup?” He asked out of nowhere surprising me with his question and instead of enjoying the hug from him, from someone I like and I care I just answer “because I’m depressed and so what!!”. I know it sound pretty aggressive and I felt it kind of defensive, .. I know that it’s been more than 4 weeks from that day and and maybe, maybe … maybe I should be feeling better. Or wearing makeup.

I was told later by someone else that “well, you have to move on… it’s 4 weeks but …soon it’s going to be -it’s just 8 weeks”. His mother and 2 of his dogs died in a period of 1 year and I never saw him crying. I know he was about to prescribe me some antidepressants just as he did some years ago after I couldn’t run a marathon due to plantar fasciitis. In that occasion we were at Disney World for a night spooky Halloween marathon and I knew I wasn’t able to run but I still tried to, and when of course I couldn’t do it, I ended at the ambulance with other 6 “failed attempts” waiting for some runners to end the marathon so they could drop us at the finish line and we could get our medal … it’s Disney, you always get your medal. I saw how the other 9994 runners passed by my side and I ended in a horrible spiral of frustration, anger and pain. After entering the park and going up and down and up and down and for a 3rd time up and down in the same 2 extreme thrilling attractions my anxiety disappeared and I went back to the hotel at 2 am with my medal and in an altered high trip altered mental status that really mitigated my frustration. My friend finished the marathon and he was extremely tired to stay with me at the park but I didn’t care. I stayed there, cried and next day he suggested antidepressants. I agreed and took them for about 6 months or so, I don’t remember because it is still a blurry memory I can’t really remember. So no, he didn’t suggest them now, but I know he was about to.

I called my sister again and it went pretty well and I told her something about not having the tools from my toolbox available and I know she understood what I was talking about. And I am sure she detected my deep voice struggling to avoid crying.

But that’s not the point, I lost myself in anecdotes instead of going to the selfies/ mirror issue.

The thing is that I prefer to go deep inside of my pain without faking I’m ok and without disguising my suffering and placing a cute disguise with a socially accepted mask with beautiful eyeliner and makeup … (aka armor). I know now that prefer not faking it because for many many many years wearing an armor was my favorite habit.

And maybe that’s why I don’t want to post selfies… but I’m talking more about not even watching myself in mirrors… is there something I don’t want to see about myself? Is it because more than half of the pictures always included the other me that died with Sebas? Is it true that maybe part of my happiness actually depended on him? After so much “studying” “practicing” and “preaching” finding the joy, the divine, the permanent inside my self.. could it be that part of my joy, divine, permanent died with him? So it was not that permanent then….

External sources of joy…

Maybe it doesn’t mean anything and I don’t need antidepressants or anything and I’m just not in my best mood recently and I’m just overthinking.