How Brenee Brown’s guilt and shame and a dog named Hedwig are making me human

Almost 2 months from that day… and things have changed for good, but it’s complicated still for me to feel joy. I felt joy last week while entering Hogsmade at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Univesral Studios and the feeling was the same a 7 year old has when receiving Santa Claus gifts. It’s not my first time at Universal Studios but it was the first time I felt joy after not feeling anything but sadness, craziness, tears and solitude for the past 2 months. And I’ve said it before… Harry Potter movies saved my daily life that first week.

I’m back doing my workouts after 2 weeks of a pause I took after finishing 13 weeks of 45 minutes of weight lighting routines 6 days a week. I loved my abs and legs and arms and shoulders and now, after 2 weeks of “Mindless eating” and no working out, I feel fluffy, weak and breathless but I know myself and all that will be back soon. That… makes me smile. And I again learn I’m kind of addicted to working out and when I don’t to it I don’t like myself. No joking, I really don’t like how I feel when I gain weigh or loose my 6 pack and. Tomorrow is day 3 and it’s been tough to go back.

I started posting my selfies once again, for the 2nd day in a row and I changed the carpet of my flat as in a month and a half I’ll be receiving Hedwig, the new 2 months old Maltese I’m adopting trusting it’s not a substitute of Sebas and having mixed feelings as I reassure myself every single moment that it doesn’t mean I don’t think about Sebas anymore. It’s a white Maltese pretty similar the the HP white owl… that’s the reason of his “soon to be” name.

I don’t want to ever think about not thinking about Sebas … does it make sense? Or stop talking about him…

But I want to give the new baby a new life. And the last year of Sebas life my carpet was his toilet…. All of it! Around my bed, near the closet, in the living room and kitchen and everywhere. And I allowed it because he was old… So to prepare the house for the coming of the baby I had to change the carpet, rearrange my furniture, get rid of things, making my house again puppy-proof without any obstacles or dangerous things… and in the most crazy confusion of thoughts I got rid of half of his clothes… It’s confusing as there are a lot of expensive beautiful clothes and daily T-shirt’s that can always and only belong to Sebas. But why to keep them all? Hedwig will not use Sebas clothes… but should I keep them all? they are nice! And those were my thoughts of his clothes and my carpet. So in an unexpected movement and I don’t really know how, I separated some of the clothes and kept the most representative ones (like half of them) and the other half will go to Plutarco, Alex’s Pomeranian who doesn’t have enough clothes I don’t why … he once told me he doesn’t have an idea of where to buy them. Well, the last 14 years of traveling made me addicted to buying him fancy clothes, designer clothes, football jerseys, Hawaiian flowered shirts, skeleton costumes, and his usual polo shirts and “adidog” hoodies that characterized him… but they are his clothes and not Hedwig’s. I’ll buy new ones for him. Alex can keep them (some of them) and I try to convince myself that Plutarco will love them as Sebas did… or hate them (as Sebas did too)… and meanwhile the house looks different with the new carpet.

My place looks nice,..but different , … it’s not Sebas’ house anymore and I’m exited about receiving the new baby. But somehow I still feel I’m betraying Sebas. Or not. Am I?

The trip to LA was a good one except for the moment I overheard my sister talking to my nephew about me buying the original white owl from the movie and they commenting that from now on I was going to want all about it… well yes.. why not?

But coming back from “vacation mode” made me realize I need to go back to my workout my routine and my selfies.

And I realized something weird… when talking with my mom about some dates I mistakenly said Sebas was gone on the 9th and she said “no, the 7th… I remember because before that, 7 was my favorite number and now I associate it with him and it’s no longer my favorite”…. That was a surprise! My mom? Talking about feelings? letting me see a glimpse of sadness towards Sebas? That’s a first!! Anyway I appreciate her comment.

The day they came to help me with the carpet, the heaviest Ganesh I had in my living room almost broke my dad’s toe, and he fell to my couch and floor almost crying in pain and made a big show about it … and I felt my mom and I both thought it was too much drama until some hours later we saw the black toe that actually needed some x rays.

And I felt shame of minimizing his cry.

It’s the second time something happens to my dad’s toe while I’m around. The first one was in NY 2 days after that Sunday and he couldn’t / wanted to move a chair in the super tiny hotel room and I didn’t like it there and I rudely moved and hit him with it and he screamed and it sounded too much for me. My dad had never before acted in such a dramatic way. In that first time I hit him by “accident” I felt guilty, as it was what in my psychology classes during my first year of medicine was called faulty acts or Freudian slips that come from your subconscious mind… I was angry at him and “accidentally” I hit him with the chair. What a coincidence …The second time, with Ganesh hitting him (I wasn’t even close) I felt guilty of not believing him it was too painful … and his toe was almost broken!!!! I realized I feel guilty of not having patience and I feel guilty of not helping him more as he grows older and his mind and hearing are not as before… or maybe I’m just scared of him getting old. I feel guilty of not sharing with him, the football passion that always connected us and that I lost when Sebas left. And I owe him, I have to do it for my dad, I need to push myself a little bit to make him happy … I know I can do it now … I’m still sad but I have the tool a little bit more available than before.

And my mom? She got angry at me on December 31st when I told her it was not a very clever decision to gather together in the middle of pandemia after me having 36 hours of headache. I told her too that if something happened to someone else it was going to be her fault… yes too rude…

I’ve not been kind recently… I found myself immerse in depression and I justify my rudeness arguing I was in grief… I think that the tools to be a better person weren’t available at that moment but somehow I can do a better effort now. I’m not really over it but the expectation of the Hedwig reminds me the anticipation I haven’t ever felt but it looks pretty much to how mothers prepare the room for the baby when they are expecting. And I smile thinking about it. And so many smiling moments help me regaining the tools to be kinder.

And something else happened… I re-connected with Luis, a Spanish doctor I like.. and I realized I asked a lot from people without giving much or at least the same I ask for.. and when they don’t fulfill my expectations I just push them away. I told him about Sebas, about my grief, I opened my heart and he said something I didn’t expect .. he actually understood and showed me empathy and made me feel accompanied and he ended saying he felt in love with my vivacity and the light and happiness I reflect and I promised him I’ll look for it and I will take it back to surface without faking it as I used to do it before.

I used to fake strength and I used to fake invincibility and faked that I wasn’t ever hurt by anything and for the fist time in my life showing my vulnerability has had better results. So Brenee Brown was right!! It’s a gift to be vulnerable. It just took me 49 years, the loss of Sebas, a lot re-reading of her books and watching my old self reflected in a more than 40 years old friendship that was lost during my grieving time as she doesn’t want to understand (or just can’t understand), to learn it. And I don’t Like her anymore as she reflects my armored me, faking strength and feeling better than the rest of the world because we were tough…and nothing breaks us and vulnerability meant weakness in our mind. But suddenly it feels like you’re more human when you’re vulnerable. And now I feel human. I cry and I am allowed to be sad, and I can show I am sad, and it hurts less and as I read somewhere, grieving is the payment for so much love.

Luis and I have been in touch almost daily and I told him I want to celebrate my birthday at the Maldives and he said he’s coming with me… I’m smiling thinking it will be possible … as long as Hedwig stays with someone.

I accepted a dinner with Pao, a coffee with JE and a dinner with Christian and his wife where by the most awkward coincidence a very loved friend was in the table next to ours. I hugged Yogendra and he hugged me and I could have stayed attached to him for hours but he was with other friends. He gives me peace and he makes me feel everything is fine. I do love him and the touch of his arms have always healed me… we agreed to have lunch or dinner soon… we haven’t called each other but we will.

And I went to a huge dinner with 28 doctors including 1 of the most prestigious ones of the whole country and he almost made me cry when during his Christmas toast he actually thanked me for saving all their patients and they all clapped watching me … and I felt appreciated … and I realized isolation was making me weird (more than usual) and sometimes this solitude is useful and I love the silence and peace of being alone… but people (good people) around you can make me smile and return me the warm I needed to literally remove the ice I was feeling in my heart/ life after Sebas. And the thrilling rides at universal studios helped a lot with my joy.

My ex husband came from Argentina to visit his 2 kids and I know I’ll cry tomorrow when he comes to see me as we both adopted Sebas 15 years ago and we shared a lot of his first years. He was one of the first ones I wrote after that Sunday. He said he wished he could have hold him at least once more. I’ll cry with his hug. I know that.

And I got a huge tattoo… honoring him, but that same day, I lost the cardboard where I had his original footprint… and that makes me cry… how could I??? I regret being so distracted… I’ve lost iPads, phones, credit cards, passports, boarding passes…. But losing his green paw is something I’ll not forgive myself .. ever!

Am I in the depressive or in the accepting phase of grief. Am I moving on? I don’t want to ever stop loving him or thinking about him and although I feel much much better I still feel I need to respect his memory with my grief.

… but I do smile more!