“Faking it until you make it” is the worst advise ever!

December 5th… 4 weeks from that Sunday.

There are better days and days that are not that good… Today was a bad one… I cried and I felt alone and sad and angry and lost… I made a list of things that make me feel better and things that make me feel bad. I wanted the sun in my face to be one of the things that make me smile, and well it was enjoyable somehow and it felt warm but I didn’t love it… actually I don’t know if it was because it’s Sunday or because it’s 4 weeks from that day or because I went waking and walking alone by myself still feels weird.

Watching football was /is one of the things that feels wrong. I feel forced to act normal and enthusiastic and as if nothing happened. I feel I “have to” comment every single play as before, as when I enjoy things. Did I loose enthusiasm for football? Or my interests and preferences or hobbies changed? Or am I only depressed and I don’t enjoy things I used to like. And my sister and dad attitude makes me angry… but they don’t know I don’t care about football anymore,… how could they know I feel bad about faking I’m ok. I haven’t told them anything about it… well about nothing, ever. We have never discussed feelings with my parents so how could they know I feel forced to act normal. We don’t talk about feelings, maybe with my sister tomorrow I will try to do it. Maybe. They are “respectful” about “giving me space” but they don’t talk about him… I wish I could cuddle in my moms arms at least once in my life… at 49 it’s complicated to start now. I’m not sure if I’m crying for him, for his death or my loneliness and weird relation with my parents.

It was a day of crying, while taking a shower I cried. Cried as the first days. I suddenly looked at the red thread I have in my wrist and I cried. It was his, and I took it from his neck when he was already death in the last moment I saw him before they took him. I can’t explain how he looked… it was not him, but yes, it was him, but not alive, so he was not there anymore… I don’t have the words that define him and me in that moment. I took the red thread and tied it to my wrist where it is going to stay forever. And tears and hot water mixed and I could have kneel and drop to the floor in a drama way but it was confusing. I wasn’t planning to cry… I mean it’s not that I plan un purpose to cry or be sad but this caught me unprepared. It was a sudden and extreme unexpected sadness and it came out from the middle of nowhere and it stopped as quickly as it started. Extremely painful and loud, but short.

I cried again at the middle of an important football game, more of anger and frustration from faking being normal than from sadness. I realized I felt forced and just silenced the TV and I realized I was faking being interested for them not to feel uncomfortable with my sadness … but of course …how could they know I feel terrible. How could they know, “it was almost a month ago, I should be fine”. When I realized football faking was in the wrong side of the list I just changed TV channel and everything improved. I felt some guilt and even shame of not making an effort to please my father. He’s not in great mental condition and the fact that his 2 daughters love football makes him happy… I felt shame for not even want to fake it. I’m a sorry but it’s not available in my toolbox right now. I can’t.

On the good side of the list I have to add that I do feel better when I sleep a lot, when I rest and when I don’t wake up that early. Talking with JE (sometimes) and writing are in the good side. Harry Potter, Gilmore Girls and Lost and once again, getting rid of things I don’t like/need any more make me happy… of course not his things.

I realized too that I can move to Albuquerque whenever I need it. I’ll rent a nice apartment close to the school, I’ll buy a car and adopt a dog. I did some research and read that some neighborhoods are not that safe and that there is a high rate of crime so I need to find a nice place to live. Maybe a bigger dog to be with me 24/7. I think I’m not going to India on March, but maybe I can go and look for nice places in NM. I’m not sure about Puerto Rico in February or Bali whenever. Planning my 2022 in Albuquerque, buying a new car and a house and looking for places and pet regulations are all in the good side of the list. I feel exited about it.

Not talking about Sebas with anyone and of course never ever with my parents is in the wrong part of the list… I hate it. I feel unseen, secluded, isolated… but if I decided it was going to be like am I entitled to feel like this? Confusion is in the bad side of the list.

I forgot to take his/my blanket to sleep yesterday for the first time in 4 weeks. I don’t know what does it mean… maybe nothing.

Crying is horrible but after crying, things feel better and my mood improves… Note to self: Try to remember that a daily tear is not bad! Good side of the list. Exercise, good side; meditation, good side

.. Contact with humans.. undecided. I don’t want to fake it, …I was so good at faking my feelings for so long that someone could think I was strong… well no… it was easier than showing my sadness… I still can’t show it openly, now I hide, but I don’t fake it.

Time hasn’t moved in this 4 weeks… it’s like in “pause”… nothing moves but at the same time so many things have changed. My life changed, my routine has changed, my preferences have changed, my habit to “fake it” has changed.

Before… I was ok but it was fake, now I’m not ok but it’s ok because it’s real…