Dharma and other excuses
This is not my place anymore. How could it be… I’m starting to get rid of all the things I don’t need, … I decided I was going to get rid of at least one thing a day… today I selected some books and my idea is removing everything… yesterday it was some music box I received as a gift when I gave my first international conference in the Dominican Republic… I had it there because it meant something that now means nothing… today some books, tomorrow I’m not sure what will be but I’m getting pretty good idea of so many things I can get rid of… this is not my house anymore. My house included him and of he’s not here then it is not my house.
It’s weird, I didn’t want to move anything but at the same time I didn’t know how to continue living here without him. Now I get it…. I don’t have to live here… I’m not flying way, I’m not evading, it is not that I want to avoid living without him but if I will live without him or if I will have another long time fury companion it will not be here… I don’t want to bother “him” with another Sebas… and it is funny how many times I openly said that after him I was going to give another dog the opportunity of feeling love and living a good life like the one Sebas had. Strictly speaking it makes sense… the problem is that I don’t make sense anymore with actually nothing…
Anyway… i don’t want to move his things and I don’t want to “fix” the carpet or the floor in order to live happily ever after here without him…
So I’m moving next year… I will continue with my plans of going back to school and it will be in another city in another country in another house with a new reality… in a completely different world. Today I stayed all day in pj’s and I just had to run and change my clothes and wear shoes and do something with my hair to look as a decent doctor, to go to the hospital really late at night just to sign a note in a file… a note to protect myself. A very sick old patient went home today because he was “better enough” and suddenly he died in his house because things happen and his heart was very sick. And even when he was already dead, his family called an ambulance and of course they didn’t want to take any responsibility. So why not, they took him in their own car, took him to the ER saying he was fine, and that he just passed out and he finally “died” at the ER 2 hours after he actually died… and now I had to go to hospital to sign a note saying he was discharged today in a pretty good condition just to protect myself from
a lawsuit. And these things happen when you deal with very sick patients and families who think that paying a lot in a fancy hospital gives them the right to do this crazy things… I came back home after signing the file asking myself why I once thought that working in a very high profile hospital was a good idea… I came back home wishing for an easier life, wishing Alburquerque could be sooner and not until September next year. and realizing how my peace and emotional stability are not compensated with all the money they pay me. Pandemia was the perfect example, ..I know I’m good in what I do and I once thought of myself as if I were Arjuna from the Bhagavad Gita and I should stop arguing with Krishna making excuses for not wanting to be a critical care doctor anymore and I should take the responsibility of fulfilling my dharma as my patients were my duty. Well, I will not argue that I’ve saved a lot of patients but with all the money of the world you can’t pay the pain of every single patient that died, the peace I loose with every family that blames us or the stress of not giving enough. I am completely certain that my stress, anxiety and crazy amount of work overload was transmitted to Sebas during pandemia and he absorbed part of my craziness. I can still fulfill my dharma in other ways. I can still help without dying in the attempt. Maybe I am so afraid of starting from zero that I don’t do anything arguing it’s my dharma…
I could move earlier than September … I could go earlier with the “purpose” of knowing the school, the city, etc… or I could go to Rishikesh on March.., or I could spend a month Bali as I was offered… or I could just travel to LA in 3 weeks because I need to be in an airplane and in a hotel room to vent my loneliness… traveling and flying has always helped me in my crisis, sometimes evasion some times just preference. Once a psychiatrist told me to eat or drink instead of spending so much in every crisis… I’m not sure but it didn’t feel like a good idea in those moments… and it never was grief.
This place will never be forgotten as I’ve lived here for 16 years, 14 of them with him… so in order to get a life I’ll have to get rid of everything that surrounds me. I’m just keeping completely necessary things and the only really one I cared for is not here anymore. There’s a movie where the guy asks the girl: “if your place is in fire what would it be the first and only thing you save” and in the movie it was a ring and we always talked about that scene with my family and I always answered them that I don’t care about material things and that I could loose everything but Sebas … so he’s not here anymore, why then having everything else now…
Maybe Parmarth Niketan in March could be a good idea, … anyway I need to get rid of everything before September, or March or never.
What a disaster! Does anyone who grief changes so much? I mean I had the idea before him that I was going to move and make a career shift and everything but un real life I didn’t think it was actually going to happen… maybe it will!
Without the “maybe”… it will happen, the question is when will it happen… fear, confusion, exhaustion, sadness, and a mosquito I had to kill right now distract me from dealing with my dreams.
